[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
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My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Finally!
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Venn
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without