All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
This rocks
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My brain is a bad influence on me
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.