I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
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*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I don鈥檛 want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won鈥檛 be able to help with their homework
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…馃槀馃槒馃惗
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 馃槱
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines