Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I occasionally drink every single night.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My dating profile:
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Has science gone too far?
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
“and how does that make you feel?”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are