Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
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When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.