Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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*pronounces fake like saké*
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
nature’s most graceful animal
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore