“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*