Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
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Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Blew out my flip flop…
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.