did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
You Might Also Like
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Fiction has to make sense.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?