Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
You Might Also Like
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.