LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
…żyje?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.