Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My teenage children choosing violence
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.