[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?