My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*