Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
You Might Also Like
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
New Tinder profile.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will