If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Weirdly Wednesday.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.