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once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?