Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
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Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi