Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
pictures of spider-man
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
This is my bus stop.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a