Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!