This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.