guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Damn what did I do next
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
North and South