An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
You Might Also Like
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.