Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
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Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My love language is deader than Latin
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
☺️
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken