Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
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[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.