BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
You Might Also Like
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.