if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Kids, do not try this at home!
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
This can never not be funny 😭😭
🤣dope
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?