Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.