Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
This kid is a star!
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
*orders delivery*
Who says great literature is dead?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.