My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
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Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids