[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
See..?
.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.