This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
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God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Need this in my life lol
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]