*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
this could fix me
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Just a phase…
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Body by sandwich.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I don’t know what to do
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.