Meme Monday.
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My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
“How’s your day going?”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?