[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.