Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
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the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
me hooking up with my ex
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival