Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.