If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.