I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
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Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
accurate
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.