I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Check out the legs on this baby
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered