My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
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I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here