Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
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I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.