Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Truth
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out