Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
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Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok