CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
We found love in a hopeless place.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too