Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
You Might Also Like
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Worst bar ever.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Ah yes. The three genders
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.