*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.