Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
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Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*