When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
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McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
“What?”
– Jude
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.