Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
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next question.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?